not Thursday, but eh...
Sometimes it seems like whenever I come up with a plan, something (or somethings) immediately flings itself in the way of all progress.

This is not a sign. This is not hopeless. Maybe it's a test of determination, I don't know, but it's not a reason to give up.

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This post marks the beginning of a more productive me.

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I feel like I should use this journal for important things. Like posting fics, or maybe making insightful posts, or even just in an attempt to be amusing.

But I really just want to babble about personal stuff and not think too much about it.

...So I wrote this AMAZING post about circular saws, clones, and reproductive consequences--and then accidentally deleted it.

I trusted you, autosave, I TRUSTED you.

You and I are through.

( But I'll leave this post here anyway to mark the beginning of whatever.)

Force of Habit
I accomplished almost all of what I wanted to do today! It's such a wonderful feeling getting things done so I don't have to feel guilty about them. There are a few things I need to do in the near future, but hopefully they won't be too bad.

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Choose Your Own Adventure
Last night Chris and I came across a box of "choose your own adventure books" from one of our childhoods (I don't know which, it's creepy but we had a lot of the same stuff, like we were both obsessed with Pet Shop of Horrors, Sorcerer Hunters, and H.P. Lovecraft). It inspired this conversation:

Me: I remember these books. They were so random. "Do you turn left or right?" You pick left and there is an alien space ship hiding around the corner and you die a fiery death of doom and experimentation.

Chris: What are you talking about? It was impossible to die. They were written for children after all.

After further debate, we decided to settle the issue by playing one of the books.

It begins on a train. Our companion's aunt vanishes while standing next to an ornate, mysterious box. Our first question is: "Do you go for help, or do you open the box?"

In unison: (Me:) Open the box! (Chris:) Go for help!

Me: But someone might take it if we leave it here. This could be our only chance to find out what's inside. The knowledge could save us all.

Chris: Or kill us. Maybe opening the box is what made the aunt disappear. The people we go to for help might be able to tell us more about what's in the box.

At this point I begin to wonder if the only reason I died all the time as a kid was not because the decisions were random, but because I lack common sense. So I decide to play the game Chris' way and observe what happens. My suspicions seem to be confirmed as we go through several decisions and Chris almost always picks the opposite solution I would have, which also means he's always playing it safe. But when he reaches the end of his story line, he does not get a happy ending. Only a mediocre one. He saves the aunt, but he does not solve the mystery. Because he never took any risks that would have led him to make any great discoveries.

Feeling a burst of confidence now that I can see that playing it safe does not always equal success, I proceed to play it through my way.

Chris is horrified by my choices, and maybe with due cause because almost immediately we're lost in a Vampire fog while being pursued by wolves. Our companion falls off her horse and is lost. I'm preparing to go after her when Chris can't take it any more.

Chris: She's dead. Do not leave the group to go alone into a disorienting fog full of wolves and vampires.

Me: But how would you feel if you were alone in a fog of wolves and vampires? Wouldn't you want someone to come after you?

Chris: I'm sure the wolves are just wandering around blindly, and if she's not dead already, they won't be able to find her.

Against my better judgment, I let him have this one choice. I follow the others to the castle, and after another decision am promptly eaten by spiders. I blame his interference, and redo my choices where I now go back to find the companion. She is alive, and so (smugly) I continue onward.

After a while I began to see a pattern in my own choices. I pick whatever option seems the most urgent. Not the wisest, not the most likely to succeed, just what is the most pressing. Kill the vampires or try to save the aunt before something happens to her? Save the aunt! Follow the creepy hermit that's running away, or rejoin my friends? Creepy hermit!

And doing it this way ends in death. A lot.

Neither Chris nor I were able to play through to an actual, bonafide, satisfactory ending without doing a lot of backtracking. So either we both lack the decision making ability to successfully be a hero, or luck has a lot more to do with it than I'd previously thought. I had planned to make this whole thing into an analogy about writing, but now I've completely forgotten what my point was.

I guess I should go write something productive now.

Time (and now I have a David Bowie song in my head)
Today I:

Wrote about 1k words of the Spock Prime story. (I really wanted to keep going but a guest showed up at the house.)
Did an ungodly amount of cleaning (school teachers here do home visits twice a year, and when they arrive tomorrow I want it to look like my sons don't live in a house that is in a perpetual state of renovation =)

And that's about it.

I've been really slacking on anything related to social networking and other online social-type-things. I have had so little time! And I want to write tomorrow so badly! But I think my whole day is going to be taken up by last minute preparations, the school visit, children, and a friend. Arg. I should have been a hermit. I do love everyone, I just wish my writing time was harder to shove out of the way! I might be able to talk the non-teacher people into coming over later. I tried today, but it didn't work. Perseverance! 

And many more
Today there was an unexpected birthday. It SHOULD have been expected, but these things seem to get harder and harder to keep track of. It turned out well though.

I did manage to read another three chapters of UWT. It's actually a lot better than I thought it was going to be. The main character is snarky and interesting. Instead of being horrified by how bad my early writing is (unlike some of my other early writing, that is in fact quite bad), I am now starting to worry that I will not be able to do this story justice if I continue it! I think I was actually a better writer two years ago. I'm not sure how to feel about this. What's odd is that the middle of the story appears to be the best. It's complex, and I really feel dragged into the character's head. The beginning had more little errors, and events seemed more contrived. But then the last few chapter seem somewhat forced and clunky. Was there a brief golden period and I lost it? Can I get it back? Do I have any control over the quality of my writing whatsoever? (I just got the Soap theme song in my head. "These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of...")

On the plus side I am feeling more inspired and confident about continuing it. I may actually succeed in not disappointing people! Hoorah! Hooray!

I tried to take pictures of a Kirk action figure that comes with coffee accessories for Tumblr, but the box was shiny and I got frustrated. (Not because it distracted me, despite the ADHD stereotype, but because it kept reflecting random objects in my room.)

January flew by. I hope February goes slower.

I ran out of time to do much beyond the birthday party, but I aim to do more tomorrow. I should probably go to bed so that I will have more energy in the morning. It's just so hard!

much snow much reading
Today I read four chapters of UWT. It's taken me an embarrassingly long time to get the nerve up to do so. Reading my older work is terrifyingly awkward. But I did it! And I took notes. It's 65k+ (10 chapters to go!) but I think I have my momentum up and can finish reading it tomorrow.

I didn't write anything, but it was a snow day so I didn't have the opportunity. I hope to write some tomorrow.

Liable and Burst
...So, a while ago I made a rule that I am never allowed to make online journal posts. Because I always end up getting too comfortable, and then something bad happens and whoosh! The journal is my personal therapist. But people (me! I am people. Or made from them. Or something) can change.

So hello, journal-that-I-promise-not-to-abuse. You will help me keep track of my writing progress. And maybe other progress. If there is progress.

Today I successfully:
Emailed everyone I was supposed to! (As you come to know me, JTIPNTA, you will learn how unusual this was.)
Wrote 3,100 words of a Mirrorverse fic.
Did some planning for UWT.

I did not work on the SP fic or edit the older online stories.

What's amusing to me is that not only did I not stick to what I was supposed to be writing, but even when I strayed to write my first explicit smut scene (to share), I didn't follow through on that either. Instead I wrote this scene where Spock and MirrorKirk commiserated with each other. They weren't supposed to do that. They were supposed to be all mistrustful as they tried to outwit one another, but they just had too much in common. In the next scene MirrorKirk was going to hypo/betray Spock, but I think he's actually gearing up to kidnap him and take him back to his verse. I don't actually know yet. I'll have to see what happens. Darn non-cooperative characters.

Even though I did not write what I planned to, I am hoping that by at least writing something, it will encourage creativity and I will eventually complete what I need to.

I've been thinking a lot about those shoulder angels (imp of the perverse, etc.) today. It would be more interesting if they were muses. Mine would be inspiration and guilt. But I think I will call them Burst and Liable since those words have better associations.


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